BhajG Does a SoniaG, Revamps Resume

Harbhajan Singh, erstwhile outstanding off spinner of Team India, has decided that he is better suited to contribute to Indian cricket as a batsman rather than an off-spinner. The revamp in Harbhajan’s profile reminds one of a similar exercise by the hallowed Sonia Gandhi, when the Chairperson of the UPA removed her Cambridge University degree in English from her electoral candidature profile, deciding that the degree is a hindrance and weakness in leading a large non-English speaking nation. While Sonia G’s decision was significantly motivated by Subramanian Swamy’s counsel, Harbhajan’s decision was influenced by the recent performances of three spinners: Pragyan Ojha, R Ashwin and BhajG himself. He was quick to add, however, that the revamp was not based on non-performance as a spinner, but was based on his prolific performance with the bat in the last 11 test matches, which places him fourth in the list of leading run scorers during the period, with an average of 35. Reacting to BhajG’s declaration, M S Dhoni has promised that the sole criteria for selection for tests will be performance, indicating that Harbhajan might join the bandwagon of musical chair performers in the Indian middle order, led by Suresh Raina & Yuvraj Singh. However, Dhoni, averaging 25 during the same period, hastily added that the criterion was not applicable for the team captain.

Predictably, BhajG gave credit for his batting transformation to Sachin, his batting idol, and was prompt to invoke the Sikh war cry and maul a reporter who had pointed out that the two wield the willow in completely different styles. Dispelling fears that this might be the burial of BhajG the off-spinner, the Sardar informed the gathered press that he has also been able to develop the “teesra”, a delivery which will spin. He is hopeful for the success of the “teesra” which might help him reach 600 test wickets, as even the RaGnikanth has been beaten twice by it.

Meanwhile, sources say that in an effort to help complete the profiles of BhajG and Sonia G holistically, Arindam Chaudhari and IIPM have been swift to offer free honorary MBA degrees to both of them, no doubt considering the fact that both have considerable international exposure and both have dared to think differently. 

Sachin Seeks Dev Anand’s Advice for Increasing Longevity

Immediately after declaring through a press conference that he will be available for the 2019 ICC Cricket World Cup, Sachin Tendulkar visited Evergreen Superstar Dev Anand on the sets of “Kabhi Na Marenge Hum”, to reportedly seek advice on how to enhance career longevity. Speaking to reporters who were hoping to see Sachin in action at the 2015 event, the cricket maestro informed that he would have liked to declare his participation in the 2023 World Cup (WC) as well, but did not want to catch ICC on the wrong foot, as the cricket’s governing body has not made any WC plans post the 2019 event. The BCCI, worried that the already dwindling viewership of the sport will further reduce once Sachin retires due to the obsessive compulsive disorder of the Indian cricket fan with one man, has welcomed Sachin’s decision, saying that his mere presence in the dressing room inspires and improves young talent, subtly referring to the recent turnaround of performance of Ravindra Jadeja.

Meanwhile, as is customary, the little master has set a precedent in this case as well and scores of cricketers, in the twilight years of their careers, have made a beeline for Dev Sahab’s house. Live reporting from outside his house has informed that the latest cricketers to come out with the ambrosia of longevity have been Saurav Ganguly and Harbhajan Singh. While Ganguly looked downcast and averted questions, Harbhajan Singh, predictably, slapped a reporter when he asked him if the meeting with Dev Anand was fruitful. Dev Sahab, when asked for his comments, replied with a humble smile that career longevity automatically gets enhanced when one consistently does work of good quality. As an example, he invoked his last three films, the names of which the concerned reporter could not recollect later. He also added that, those players, whom he feels have a quality issue, he has been referring them to Tusshar Kapoor for consultation. However, those with a borderline personality disorder, probably hinting at S Sreesanth, are being referred to Chunkey Pandey.

When a reporter, concerned about the quality of the Indian pace attack, asked Zaheer Khan about the steps that he may have taken to increase his bowling years, the pace spearhead curtly replied “As far as the pace attack goes, I do not think we need to look beyond Venkatesh Prasad for direction, whether it be longevity, performance or pace.” 

ATS Arrests Ravindra Jadeja for Delhi HC Blasts

The Anti-Terrorist Squad (ATS) has arrested Indian cricketer and legendary T20 performer, Ravindra Jadeja, in the wee hours of Wednesday for allegedly masterminding the Delhi HC bombings. The ATS has declared that it has acted on information from the Research & Analytics Wing. In a press conference later on in the day, Home Minister P. Chidambaram has said that his public statement, just after the blast, concerning "no-clue" about the terrorists, had been the clincher. "We wanted the terror mongers to become complacent, so that we can catch them napping." Eventually, Ravindra Jadeja was caught napping literally at the Mumbai Airport, in time, before leaving the country, on the pre-text of playing for Swaziland, since his cricket career in India was not taking off. A seemingly distraught Jadeja, however, refused to hide his face from the cameras, as he is often found to do after cricket matches. However, India TV, the bane of all that is corrupt in the country, has reported that this is a desperate last ditch effort on part of the government to save its face, being plagued by the opposition for not being able to put an end to terrorism. The channel has boldly stated that the arrest was a gimmick and was based on 'negative public sentiment against an individual' - a survey which had put Jadeja at the 12th position, behind 11 politicians, who were all already in jail. The channel informed that this was done in order to ensure minimum public backlash, in case any terrorist outfit eventually claimed responsibility for the attack. When a particularly intrepid India TV reporter managed to ask Ravindra Jadeja if this could be true, the player did not comment but looked highly irritated, possibly for having missed a spot in the first 11, even in this case. However, after overcoming the initial shock he declared that he is still available for selection and is hopeful that wikileaks would prove his innocence. In the meanwhile he is hoping to play for Tihar XI, a team which has recently shot up in the glamour charts. A characteristically cool Mahendra Singh Dhoni has said that though it would never be possible to completely compensate for Jadeja's absence, express fast bowler Joginder Sharma is the natural choice as his replacement. 

Venkatesh Prasad caught stalking Varun Aaron

In an unprecedented incident, Indian Fast Medium (ok, Medium Slow) bowler Venkatesh Prasad, widely regarded as the 'Pace Assassin', was interrogated by the police, for allegedly stalking rising fast bowler and newly inducted member of Team India, Varun Aaron. It has been reported that, when confronted, the yesteryear seamer, who wanted to be in every batsman's good books, had readily confessed to the police, but had gone on to say that his actions were for the general benefit of the game and of the country. He had passionately dictated to the police that it is a crime to let an Indian bowler bowl at the opposition, at speeds greater than 150 kmph, referring to Varun Aaron, who recently clocked 153 kmph and has since then lived in constant fear of Venkatesh Prasad. Prasad had even gone on to say that such aggressive bowling is not in sync with the country's overall peace-loving image and is in direct contradiction with Gandhiji's principles. Prasad, who in his hay day, could surprise and trouble even the best batsmen with his stock delivery, the faster one, informed the police that his intentions were to eventually take Varun Aaron under his wing and 'develop' him into a successful 'Indian' fast bowler. Aaron could not be traced for his comments, but it is expected that he would be relieved. However, comments from the cricketing fraternity were mixed. When sought out for his comments, Ravi Shastri said: "Since Harbhajan Singh is woefully out of form, this might just be a blessing in disguise and help India develop a quality spinner." Munaf Patel, touted as a transformed bowler and the greatest protégé of Venkatesh Prasad, could not comment, as he failed to understand the question, even after repeating thrice. Zaheer Khan was spotted in a pub, but when asked to comment, failed to recollect knowing either Prasad or Aaron. However, Arjuna Ranatunga has voluntarily expressed his comments to the media: "I have always said, Kapil Dev, Imran Khan, Venkatesh Prasad."